Finding Balance: A Journey Of Gratitude
My mother designed with measurements and all a tall set of shelves for VHS tapes that she painted pink.
My desk at home that I sit at every day while I write, she also designed and hammered together for herself.
It was also painted pink.
I love both pieces of furniture; they remind me of my mother's strength of spirit.
But I have never loved pink.
Despite one of my brothers' protests, I painted the shelves white and the desk black to go with the rest of my home office furniture.
Some things have to change.
Some things it is impossible to change.
Thankfully, it is impossible for me to change hearing my Mom’s voice in my head.
My Mom had lymphoma.
A couple of months before she died, I was at the hospital with her, and I can vividly recall a conversation that I have never forgotten.
She said to me, “I don’t want a blood transfusion. Having one goes against what I was raised to believe in. I am ready to go if this is my time. You know you guys will be all right without me. All of you don’t need me anymore.”
She was raised as a Jehovah's Witness.
I could hear the hurt in my mom's voice when she said that we didn’t need her anymore. I never understood how much it hurt my Mom to feel that way until I felt this from my Son.
Second to losing my Mom, that has been the worst pain in my heart of my entire life.
I was upset that she said this.
She almost sounded like she was looking for my approval for her to give up and die.
At least, that’s how I took what she said at the time.
I told my Mom while crying, “You are wrong. We do still need you, and I won’t be able to go on without you.”
She became angry at me and said, “I don’t want to hear that. You are my daughter, and I raised you to be stronger than that….you are stronger than that.”
Those words haunt me.
Something I hold onto for courage more than anything else I have, which only cost me a few dollars, is a keychain with a pink flower that I bought for myself.
It says, “She believed she could, so she did.” I feel my Mother's belief in me when I look at it or hold it.
A pink flower is on my Mom’s Urn.
My Mother always believed in me accomplishing anything I put my mind to and in my dream of doing something with my writing.
In the last year, when Daniel left, and I wanted to cry over him, I have heard my Mom repeatedly telling me, “You are stronger than that.”
I admit many times, I stopped myself from crying too long because I didn’t want to disappoint her.
She hated weakness in people.
Which I now understand.
After all, if you don’t allow and love the “weakness” in yourself, how can you admire or even tolerate that in others?
I have also heard my Mom’s voice recently for other reasons.
My Mom was always saying to me, “Everything in moderation”…
I also remember her saying, “Why are you such an extremist? Everything with you is always all the way this way or all the way that way… it's always one end of the pendulum or the other….”
My Mom (A Libra) was always big on trying to teach me to be balanced.
Now that my Mom is gone, the universe is trying to pick up where she left off on the lesson she always wanted to teach me.
This is the word that I have kept hearing from the universe recently.
Balance.
I am an Aries. The opposite sign across from Aries is Libra. According to astrology, the sign opposite your birth has qualities you may lack.
If you are ever using astrology to understand yourself or others better, a factor to consider is the sign opposite your sun sign. Understanding this opposite sign can help you grow and become more balanced by consciously identifying and trying to integrate some of these traits.
I believe that this is why the universe ensured that my Momma and two of my Brothers were Libras. One of my most extended relationships was also a Libran.
When I think of the word “balance,” I don’t know why, but I always think of good and evil…
In many of my favorite movies from the past that I used to watch, a hero is needed to restore the balance between the power of light and darkness.
When I think of balance within ourselves, I think of the four elements of astrology and what they mean for our well-being psychologically.
Air astrological signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) embody intellect and communication. Fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) radiate energy and passion. Meanwhile, Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) are associated with emotion and intuition. And last but not least, earth signs are known for being associated with practicality and stability (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn).
There are many factors to consider regarding this approach.
Based on our astrological aspects at the time of our birth, we will need to consider what elements make up our chart to understand better what we lack and find that balance within us.
Over the years, I have used astrology to help me better understand myself. It gives me the structure of putting the different parts of my personality in a framework that my Gemini moon sign needs. The various aspects of my chart help me group the other parts of my identity to break myself into smaller, more manageable pieces.
That is how I see it, at least in my mind.
All these different aspects make it possible for me to analyze and work on my self-development by paying attention to whatever aspect may need work at any given time.
According to my chart, I was born with a balanced chart with aspects in all four elements.
However, there are days that one element, specifically water, seems to take over my identity.
This could be for many reasons, but I happen to believe the top two reasons that this happens is because of the following:
The position of the planets on that day.
The people and events that are involved in that day.
An example would be a square aspect in that day’s astrological positions that impacts or triggers a challenging element of your birth chart.
Another factor would be a death in the family that triggers certain aspects in your birth chart, such as Pluto aspects to any of your significant planets.
I have Pluto in my first house; this aspect significantly affects who I am.
In astrology, Pluto is associated with death and destruction.
Pluto is an extreme planet.
The first house concerns our self-identity and is the most personal part of everyone’s astrology chart.
Having Pluto there in my first house makes me drawn to emotional intensity.
My Sun sign is Aries, and it is related to new beginnings.
After death, new beginnings have always been a pinnacle or a bookmark for every significant new chapter change of my life.
I have always related Pluto to the rise of the phoenix.
Pluto in my first house has been the reason I am sure that my Mother always saw me as an extremist.
Pluto’s presence in my first house completely contradicts the appearance of my well-balanced chart.
Pluto is extreme.
Pluto wants to sink into the depths of souls.
Plutonian people (those with many aspects of Pluto, especially to your personal planets or those with Pluto in the first house) can be extreme and feel that most do not understand them.
Plutonians are not afraid of spirituality or darkness.
I avoid shallow relationships of any sort unless it is required because of the work I do.
I see them as a complete waste of my time and energy.
There are many pros on my list for being extreme, but recently, a voice has been becoming increasingly insistent about me listening to the lesson my Momma wanted me to learn…
I also constantly argue with myself over this.
What would my Mom want of me…
Should I be “stronger than that” and continue to be extreme in pushing myself towards my goals?
Or do I listen to her words of wisdom about finding balance that I had never listened to before?
I have recently felt irritated over the most minor things.
My love for my jobs is becoming questionable.
Intuitively, I hear a more significant message: the universe says I must make time for gratitude.
How is gratitude the answer?
My walks outside to step away from work have always helped me get perspective.
I need to ground myself in the energy and connection to my trees.
It has been a long time since I have made the time to appreciate their beauty.
It's been a long time since I have appreciated that there is something outside of this world of work that I have created for myself.
It's bigger than all of this.
My trees have always comforted me with their towering strength, even when I have felt their sadness.
There has never been a time that I have walked on the trails in my neighborhood without feeling grateful.
My irritation, impatience, and anger have been born from my neglect of appreciating all the positive aspects of life.
I have neglected to give myself time to reflect and gain perspective.
In the silence on these walks or with the beauty of instrumentals, I can connect with my intuition, releasing my ability to be most creative with my writing.
Creativity requires, for me, at least internal reflection and the ability to color outside the lines.
I want to feel without the intrusion of voices saying my name and others' needs.
I need space. I need just to be.
Finding gratitude for our world's beauty and all our universe's synchronicities has always been key to handling whatever life throws at me.
It is on these walks that I often reflect on the pain that I sometimes feel, but I also find that I see the big picture about why sometimes the pain has occurred.
There is a reason for every loss in our lives, whether it is a lesson about ourselves or others.
And maybe it's about making space for someone who isn’t here yet.
Sometimes, it's not clear why, but perhaps the reason will be apparent when we find ourselves grateful for what we have in the now.