Victim Or Heroine?
Deep within, beyond what anyone at face value can see, lies a yearning.
A desperateness that longs to scream.
Hundreds of miles away, I could find her.
Every day there is an excuse…Work, life.
I am exhausted, and it’s just too far to travel.
The new concrete over the dirt roads and all those newly built homes make it nearly impossible to access the old off-grid road.
That is where she is waiting and pleading to be rediscovered.
Time is taking a toll on her patience, which is leashed by a thread.
The wall that was built over a lifetime was torn down last year.
I wasn’t prepared for any of it.
I thought that the wall was made of steel.
Fragments and shards pierced my skin, blood settling into the lines of my hands.
That's how I realized it was made from only glass.
Dreams of the past have resurfaced, but an untold future is calling to me.
Looking in the window from the other side.
No reality, just a fantasy.
Seeing my life unfold before my eyes was just an act of a character I no longer wanted to know.
Waiting in agony; I am so done with the suspense.
I am going to a different chapter where I will feel alive and free.
To give all, risk all, and finally taste a safe heaven within my soul.
Sore and so tired, I still smiled today…I even laughed while working.
I am perfectly fine.
I am strong.
I am self-sufficient and capable on my own.
Every day, I prove to myself more and more that I don’t need anyone.
And here, in this world of words, it will be the only place I ever admit anything different.
There's a voice within me that no one other than my Son will have power over me; he will be the only one I admit to needing… at least out loud.
And he has that right to all of me- every part of my heart.
My Son is like I was at his age, in love with his first love and sacrificing his entire life for it.
For my first love, I didn’t move out of the country but left everyone behind just like he did.
And, like his Mom, no one can tell him anything because he knows exactly what he is doing.
Stubbornness is a double-edged sword.
It can make you close-minded to anyone other than your perspective, even those with the best intentions.
How many lessons have I learned because I refused to listen to the insight of the people who cared about me?
The positive side, though, is that this stubbornness can drive you to be determined to make a way where others say there is none.
I have made a way because of that stubbornness.
But the truth is that has also been to my detriment.
I keep going and neglect healing in favor of being the heroine of my story.
The role I play in life of always being the leader makes it hard to separate that from my character.
How many leaders can you think of that cry?
Aside from that…
How do you deal with scars that haven’t completely healed without feeling like you are giving those that caused them power over you?
How can you cry if crying turns you from a heroine to a victim?
Besides that, healing also means trusting.
Trusting in yourself to not lie to yourself.
Trust yourself to see that weakness, fear, anger, and other emotions are there for what they are instead of trying to water down your feelings into something they’re not.
How do you ask for help when you have learned that what is best is that you always count on yourself?
Everyone loves the hero and the heroine in all the movies.
A heroine is a leader, right?
I don’t want to prove anything to anyone tonight.
Least of all myself.
Sometimes, I am tired of being a leader.
But who am I if I am not one?