Anger, the Darkness I Need to Embrace to Welcome the Distance
I am angry at you. I am angry at myself. Why do I care? Only give what is given. Distance is needed.
Before Billy died two years ago, he told me that for me to want intimacy, the moon and stars had to be perfectly aligned.
After eleven years of us being together, you would think he was right.
He was wrong. It was never about the stars and moon being aligned.
In my psychology course in college, my teacher told me that to become a psychologist, you must distance yourself from your feelings to make psychology a career path.
He repeatedly stressed throughout his teachings that you needed to do this so that you would not be affected by those who shared their emotional pain with you.
He went on to explain that he and his wife would have trouble at times in their relationship because instead of being in touch with her feelings when she would try to share herself with him, he would treat her as a therapy patient.
I lasted all of one year in that class. I still love psychology; however, I never pursued psychology in school further than that.
At that time, all I could think was, why would anyone want to close off from their feelings?
We should not run from how we feel. The INFP in me screams that, above all else, we must be true to ourselves, including being honest about our feelings.
The idea then and now of having to close myself off from emotions did not and still doesn’t sound ideal to me.
However, there are days that I wish I would have learned how to do this.
My Mars in Cancer longs for the consistency of someone who does not falter in the care and attention of my heart.
Mars is the astrological planet that relates to our drive and sexuality.
Like the symbol of Cancer, the crab is protective of all that is within.
The safety of my heart and feelings is a requirement for intimacy of any kind. I must trust you not to hurt me emotionally for me to let go intimately with you.
The only shelter I find from the pain I feel when I hurt is through my anger.
My instinct is to do the following:
Recoil like the crab and guard myself from future pain.
Deliver karma so that you understand how you made me feel. I imagine the crab retaliating by blindly marching forward, attempting to swipe at whatever has hurt him with his pinchers.
The truth is when hurt by someone, I feel like I am eight years old, and because you hurt me, I want to hurt you back.
I saw a post tonight about emotionally intelligent people being the loneliest people.
I should have embraced the knowledge of math where there is no gray of emotion, just pure logic.
It sucks being emotionally intelligent. First, it's ironic that I am emotionally intelligent, yet I choose not to make the wisest choices about letting my guard down.
I digress.
Anger is what I need to focus on feeling.
Although breaking my desk is not something that I should do.
There is no toaster for me to use either (in the past, the slamming of my toaster on my kitchen countertop helped protect my hands), and as angry as I am, I am not dumb enough to believe that if I used my fists, I wouldn’t walk away without hurting myself.
I already hurt myself.
Inside, it hurts.
The sound of the paper cutter at my desk, while I slice down as hard as I can, has to suffice in releasing these feelings that are within me.
What is it that I want???
I want to satisfy my desire to slam my fists into the desk.
I am angry.
I am angry at myself.
I am angry for allowing more than logic to fill up my heart.
I am angry that I want to cry.
Is this always everyone else’s fault, or is it mine?
I tell myself, you know better.
The truth is no one hurts me more than I hurt myself.
Why do I let my guard down?
Why do I entertain ideas about love with nothing substantial given?
I never let me down.
But my heart does.
Time and time again, it wants to run away to a fairytale that, plain and simple, doesn’t exist.
I have a lot of pride. I don’t want to ask for what I want from anyone.
Why should I?
Nobody has to tell me what they would like.
I guarantee you that if I love you and you are in my life, I will know what the hell you want.
Someone once told me that they can’t read my mind.
They don’t know what I want unless I let them know.
But shouldn’t the people that know you know?
My Son constantly tells me that people aren’t like me.
Am I the only one who feels people?
I have always been able to pick up when someone's energy with me is off.
This was with my relationships, family, friends, and acquaintances; Hell, even the Customer I am helping find something down the aisle.
I can feel it when people change with me.
Your energy and actions are now different after I wrote my last story about you.
I can feel the difference. You have distanced yourself.
Your withdrawal from me has hurt.
Did I offend you? If I did, I did not mean to.
Someone spoke highly of one of my writings before, and after that, I second-guessed whether or not any of my other writings were up to par.
I hope I did not make you feel this way. This was not my intention. I love everything that you have written.
I don’t know what else to think.
Your name no longer shows up for me like it did.
There is an emptiness that I feel where you used to be.
Consistency from someone is what I believe to be the ultimate sign of commitment to someone.
It is also my belief that consistent actions without even any words of affection speak louder of someone's genuine interest and feelings for you.
Did you know that one of the biggest problems in relationships is when the words of love and affection from someone do not align with someone's actions, it causes mistrust?
Did you know that this starts right from the beginning of being involved with someone?
How often do we say one thing like “I enjoyed talking with you,” but then we never call to talk again or at least wait for a week so we don’t appear to be too eager?
Is throwing out mixed signals that lead to a lack of trust the way we should start with someone?
Is it just emotionally intelligent people who notice when someone's actions do not align with what they say?
If you are always 10 minutes early for work and suddenly are late every day without fail, I guarantee that as a Store Manager, I will notice and wonder what's happening.
Isn’t the most impressionable part of any type of relationship right from the beginning?
When you pull away to not appear too eager, are you saying to me that I am moving too fast?
Are you saying that I scare you?
Or are you afraid of how I make you feel, and because of this, you pull away to regain control?
I can’t settle on any answer.
I can’t read your mind either- believing that I ever could was stupid.
Most of my anger is at my disillusionment.
I said that the anger would help me welcome the distance.
I lied.
Under the hurt I feel that I have caused for myself, all the anger does is help me accept it.