Two Sides Of A Coin
A beautiful medieval Princess wearing a red gown is staring into the distance at a river and mountains that divide two sides of a coin. To the left is a wolf on one side of a silver coin, and to the right is a raven on the other.
“Did you write all that?
All at one time?
Well, I wouldn’t have answered you either.
I probably would have thought, ‘This woman is crazy.’”
I think he could see the hurt in my eyes because he tried to backpedal out after this and offered, “Well, you know, I don’t know people are different nowadays.”
I didn’t absorb much else he said; all that kept replaying in my mind was, “This woman is crazy.”
My brother came to the store to visit me and get a soda for lunch.
Most of the time, I regret it after I share my troubles with my brothers to get advice.
Today was no exception.
They never tell me what I want to hear.
But I think it’s what I needed.
Too many times to count, I have changed who I am to be someone that I am not because I have felt that I am too much for someone.
That has always led to my relationships lasting longer and them being happier because I became whoever they wanted me to be.
However, as time passed, it always led to a bigger problem that would snowball into another.
Resentment.
How long can you WANT to be intimate with someone who is only attracted and in love with a character that you have developed for their benefit?
They didn’t want me. They only wanted who they wanted me to be.
A loss of intimacy in my relationships always occurred shortly after the resentment would set in.
I refuse to fake orgasms or even enjoy someone touching me for the sake of a relationship.
Looking back, this was a repeat scenario that, for the longest time, made me sure that this was because something was wrong with me.
I have never had a problem with taking ownership of my faults.
My disillusionment about someone I have been interested in has been to blame on multiple occasions.
After years of being with someone, I remember being told that he never lied to me and had told me who he was right from the beginning.
He was right.
I lied to myself.
I wanted to believe that if I could change, he could change too because he loved me.
I remember my Mom once, during an argument, told me that I was wishy-washy.
I had always valued my Mom’s opinion, so I reflected on this statement long after our argument.
I don’t even remember what the argument was about.
I hated it when my Mom was angry at me.
I remember she would go days without speaking to me, even though I would always apologize to make us okay.
Now and even then, I have always felt that this statement was inaccurate.
Is it wishy-washy to be against something but also be for it?
What if we can see the positive things about something, but we can also see the bad?
What if, because of this, we are for something on the one hand and against it on the other?
Is this wrong?
I believe in trying to see all sides of the coin.
Isn’t this why so many of us can’t help but root for the vigilante?
Out of good intentions (maybe born out of darkness), they are on a mission to dish out justice.
Some of us know we should oppose this… but is there not this part of us that can’t help but cheer them on?
But this must be frowned upon.
After all, aren't there now those employer tests that want to make sure that you are never a middleman?
You know the one that I am talking about?
That test you take before you get hired, where the secret to getting the answers correct is making sure that you always answer with a ten or a zero, never in between.
I am against medicine.
I have many times even said that I hate it. I do hate it.
I am very passionate about this, but at the same time, I know people I care about a lot who have a bedside full of medicine.
I try to understand their reasons.
I usually still don’t agree with their reasons for taking it (and I have no problem telling them how I feel), but I don’t turn my back on them.
I don’t like the word wishy-washy.
What I do embrace is that, at times, I am a contradiction.
The Raven came to the Wolf's side after many nights without being with her, hoping that something would have changed in his absence.
The Wolf was sad, but she was also angry.
“You left me; I only turned away when you were unwilling to teach me how to be where you were.
I never asked you to give up your wings, but I would have searched for a way to grow wings just to be where you are.”
The Raven looked away from the Wolf.
“Everything is different up there, away from all this down here.
I didn’t think that you would be able to see it.”
The Wolf whispered, “How could I ever see your perspective when you wouldn’t let me?
Many of the stories that I shared with you have been a glass pane into my heart.
I asked for no words from you out of fear, but why do you disappear when I find the courage?
Silence is an answer when I finally ask you to be transparent.”