The Whisper of Your Voice and the Song of the Piano

I was singing while I put the delivery away yesterday.

I was happy because of you.

My Assistant asked me if I would do a little jig down one of the aisles.

I told her no, but maybe in the office where no one could see…

I have to spare my team from some of my antics.

As it is, my Barbara constantly tells me Bosses shouldn’t be singing at work.

She says I am going to scare the customers away.

My Brother came into the store today, and I started to sing to him…

He looked at me like what’s going on here?

I asked him, “Why are you looking at me like that? Do you think I am weird because I am singing?”

He said, “No, I have known you were weird since we were young…”

At our Christmas family dinner, my other Brother said, “On Instagram, why don’t you ever smile?”

I asked him, “Why don’t you?”

He jokingly said, with a laugh, “I have a reputation to uphold.”

I smiled, and I said, “Me too.”

The truth is that I take a lot seriously.

Many times in the past, I have told my closest friend that I wish I would not care like I do.

I sometimes see others relax, stand around, and look like they don’t care that time is passing by.

They aren’t doing anything to take initiative in their jobs or change their lives or others’ lives.

Some, not all, are just there for a paycheck.

They couldn’t care less about making a difference in their day, their lives, much less the world.

I am far from perfect.

Yesterday, Garda interrupted me from putting away the delivery.

I was short with him, and I am sure my irritation showed.

I wasn’t rude, but I wasn’t my usual “How is your day going… blah, blah self.”

As I rushed him out of my office, I admit that my conscience bothered me.

Today, I reflected on my behavior from yesterday, in the ten seconds it took them to park in front of the store.

Today, I course-corrected and tried to be more open to engaging in small talk, wishing him a safe rest of his day.

I know when I am out of line with my attitude, which is born from impatience.

The point of the above is, what kind of difference did I make to him yesterday versus today?

If he was already having a crap day, did my impatience with him yesterday make his day possibly worse?

Did my demeanor today make a positive impact on his day today?

I take life seriously.

I want to make a difference.

I have been told to slow down.

I have been told to relax.

I have been told I need to be more extroverted outside of work.

I am only an extrovert because I have chosen to pursue a career path that requires it.

In today’s age, is it not a requirement in almost any career?

Even for the most introverted career path (like being a writer), you must market yourself unless you will pay someone to do your social media for you.

I am who I am.

I tell you this because I want you to know what you are potentially getting into with me.

I think about the avocado I just put on my counter next to my phone charger and moved it away from it.

Wireless technology is not good for us, and I would still be using wired headphones if it weren’t for the fact that it is harder to work out and take videos without them.

I didn’t buy them until I had to do social media.

I have thought about the stuffed bunny rabbits in my son’s room and know they must feel lonely now that he is not there.

I think about the water that I drink, which needs love.

I think about the plants I water thriving in my office IF I don’t rush feeding them.

From what I have read in your writings, you look more at the big picture than I do.

I found myself asking, “Why do you read me?”

I am small-minded in comparison to you.

I know I shouldn’t compare.

Everyone has their strengths and their weaknesses.

And again, maybe that is why I have found you…

Or did you find me?

My reach for improving this world is limited by my mindset that it starts with one person at a time.

The truth?

I won’t waste my time and energy if I feel that I cannot make a difference with that one person because their energy tells me that no amount of what I have to say or do will make any difference.

I read you and am sometimes unsure if I interpret everything you write as I should.

Today, I reread so much of what I have already read.

I was searching there, trying to understand you better.

Should I support everything when I am unclear on everything you believe in?

I never am against what I don’t completely understand.

To me, that is just ignorance.

I support your desire to learn and teach without question; above all, it is clear that you also want to make a positive difference.

I was searching there, trying to understand what is between us.

Why do I feel the connection between you and me?

The most significant connection is that, like me, you have felt that you were meant for something more since you were young.

I questioned so many things when I was young and asked for answers.

I am still searching for answers to some of those questions.

I found myself at work today thinking of you and asking how, what, why, and where.

I literally said that in my mind and had to write it on a Post-it because of all the things that came to mind when I thought about it.

An elementary school creative writing class came to mind.

I was analyzing, although I told myself I wouldn’t.

This is the first time it was hard for me to write about you.

Is it the alignment of the planets today with the new moon that is making me question everything?

I am tired.

I don’t want to think.

I just rewatched the part of the video that initially made me feel connected to you.

It felt the same when I heard your voice again.

I closed my eyes while you spoke; your voice captured me…

And I still swear that there is a part in that video where you know that I am there looking at you.

I want you here to help me quiet my mind.

I had to stop writing and put music on with no words.

The piano. The piano makes me think of you…why?

I went to you again to look at your eyes.

Does the universe know what images to send me right now?

Just before finding your eyes, all I was thinking was

“If I could just close my eyes and have you behind me…”

Before I see you, there are several images online of just that.

Why?

That confirms more for me that the frequency of our thoughts will what we imagine into existence.

I don’t want these images that make me long for you even more.

No more thinking. No more writing tonight.

I want to feel your arms around me, your fingertips drawing your name into my skin and finally gripping my waist.

I want you to chase any coherent thoughts from my mind with your taste on my lips.

Please.

I know the strength of your chest against me and the need for your touch will stop these questions.

If I find sleep with the sound of nothing but the song of the piano and your voice whispering my name, I can at least find you in my dreams, where there is no longer doubt and fear.